Holiday — Bleh.
The last time I wrote on here was a year ago yesterday. Our world was at the beginning of the Covid Pandemic, all of us trying to find our way. It may not be a coincidence I like to write around this time because today is also the 13th anniversary of losing our babies, Reed and Quinten.
Last year I was looking for hopeful moments while wiggling our way through uncharted times. My husband and son were home 24/7 — when most were still cherishing family moments. This year I’m also looking for hopeful moments, coming out of the pandemic and getting back to life again, but I’m hitting a lull this week. Over the years I realized — first unconsciously and now with awareness — I dread this week. No matter what I do to take the heaviness off, it always seems to slip back in. Little snags along the way make it worse. Today I’m sitting alone. Bryan back to traveling, and Zane back in school. Hurray? Although, I’m content to deal with no one but myself.
The day after we lost the twins it was my dad’s birthday, and five days later it was Mother’s Day. Kind of hard to forget. So now these celebratory days land within the week of the twin’s anniversary. I have guilt my dad flew in on his birthday to grieve with us. I didn’t/don’t like sharing his special day with my grief, although I know he wouldn’t have it any other way. I wish it differently, but we cannot predict life. And to be quite honest, Mother’s day is just bleh. I much prefer celebrating my mom, who deserves 365 days of love and honor, then think about myself, however, I’m unable to celebrate with her because we don’t live in the same state.
I think about these holidays (Mothers Day, Fathers Day, etc), and have more angst than thing else. I think about the people in my life; who are struggling to have children and be parents, who have lost their parents, who have lost children, who have lost spouses or someone special, who struggle to be good parents and feel they may not “deserve” these holidays, and those who have relationships that are complicated. All these are contributing factors to how a person is celebrating, or not. It’s overwhelming.
What makes these moments worth it are the family, relationships, friendships, and connections around you. The people who have empathy. The people in your corner. The people sharing their depth with you. The ones sharing tears of joy and pain, with you. The ones who know you through and through, and accept and love it all.
Happy 13th bday Reed and Quinten. ❤ ❤
Happy Birthday to my amazing dad tomorrow. ❤
Happy Mother’s Day to my beautiful mom. ❤
